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Posted 3/26/12 by LTCL in Funny
 
 

101 Funny Facebook Statuses

Facebook Reaction Funny
Facebook Reaction Funny

Enough Boring Status Updates

Funny Facebook Statuses

Are you a fan of a good Facebook status? Need ideas for a good status? Here are 101 funny Facebook statuses so stop wasting countless hours shuffling through the noise and useless updates to strike a little status gold. Check it out; we’ve compiled an list of 101 funny hilarious posts and tweets for you. Enjoy!

 

-FUNNY LIFE STATUS-

1. You never realize how inappropriate your music is until your parents are in the car with you.
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2. I want to defriend you but your pictures and status updates make me feel good about myself.
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3. That awkward moment standing next to your friend as they talk to someone you don’t know.
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4. Google-Maps needs to skip the first 4 steps. I know the way out of my own neighborhood.
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5. I would rather try to carry 10 overloaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
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6. If only Adderall was a traded commodity during finals week.
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7. Low rise jeans are not for everyone. There should be a warning label. If more of you is outside your jeans than in, they may not be for you.
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8. Few things are more entertaining than reading two girls roast each other publicly on Facebook.
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9. That moment when someone compliments you and you’re torn between saying “thank you” and, “I know”
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10. Men bond by insulting each other, but they don’t really mean it. Women bond by complimenting each other, & they don’t mean it either.
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11. WTF was that shot last night? It looked and tasted like swamp.
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12. I’m starting to realize there is a fine line between chronic hangover and withdrawal.
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13. Don’t worry if you can’t remember what happened, Facebook will forever. (thanks, Timeline)
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14. It’s time to raise awareness about the dangers of using a credit card after drinking.
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15. There is a time and place for everything. And it’s called college.
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16. A turd in a swimming pool is like a crying baby on an airplane… one little thing is fucking it up for everyone.
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17. Whenever you’re feeling down, remember, you’re the sperm that won.
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18. Word of advice; never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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19. I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It’s way too little to go by itself.
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20. I don’t drink so that I’m more fun to be around. I drink so that you’re more fun to be around.
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21. Thanks for putting that inspirational quote on Facebook. It really inspired me. Inspired me to de-friend you.
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22. In preparation for the weekend, I just donated a pint of my blood to be replaced with a pint of alcohol.
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23. I fall in love when I am drunk and I hate people when I am sober.
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24. I draw the line at conversations about creepy children dressed like clowns who sound like old men talking backwards.
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25. When someone says “I’ve got good news / bad news” I say gimme the bad news twice & stick the good news way up inside your asshole.
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26. Just hit me how incredibly badass it would’ve been to say, “I’m seeing Elvis perform tonight.”
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27. If I offended anyone with my comments, I assure you that was purely my intention.
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28. I think I left my ID and my dignity at the bar last night..
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29. Dear Liver, I understand March is hard for you with spring break & St.Patty’s day. PUSH THROUGH, you little champion, you.
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30. How to start an argument online: 1. Say an opinion 2. Wait
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31. I hate when I think of witty things to say after the argument is over…
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32. Dear Math, I liked you so much more before you and the alphabet started hooking up. Sincerely, Everyone.
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33. When somebody says “10 years ago” I think about the 90’s instead of 2002.
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34. We wouldn’t have an obesity epidemic if parents wouldn’t have used the “starving kids in Africa” line to get kids to finish their food.
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35. A women’s intuition is insanely accurate. Unfortunately their reaction time is usually off by about 2 years. Give or take.
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Ever had feelings for your friend?

Can Guys and Girls be Just Friends?

 

-FUNNY RELATIONSHIP STATUS-

36. Condoms prevent mini vans.
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37. That awkward moment when you regret sending a text the second after you send it.
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38. Why do people put their relationship status as “its complicated”?? We all know that means you’re single but still doing your ex.
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39. Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat & it may just be me, but I’m not looking to develop a heart problem.
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40. The Sex Olympics, where coming first doesn’t make you a winner.
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41. If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his girlfriend, does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?
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42. I’m not saying she’s a slut; I’m just surprised that Facebook has not made her vagina a place to “check in” yet.
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43. Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
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44. I’m not saying she is a slut, but she has had more balls in her mouth than a hungry hungry hippo.
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45. Why do women spend so much on clothes when we prefer them without them on?
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46. I hate those unrealistic movies…you know, the ones where men are friends with women.
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47. If I had dated my professors in college, I would have definitely gotten that 4.0.
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48. If you haven’t texted me back after 30 minutes, you better be dead or have a similar excuse.
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49. When I exercise, I wear all black. It’s like a funeral for my fat.
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50. I learned more about a stranger in 10 minutes of “Never Have I Ever” than I knew about the person in my last relationship.
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51. I’d agree with you but then we would both be wrong.
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52. The moment your tire blows, car jerking violently on a mountain road sending you spinning towards a deep chasm. That’s how true love feels.
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53. Hey, listen up. If I text you & 5 hours later you still haven’t replied but you’ve tweeted 38 times, you can go play with a gun.
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54. My dentist told me I have gingivitis. I told him that was impossible because I strongly avoid making out with red-heads.
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55. One night stands are like using a public restroom – you don’t know who was there before you or how clean they really left it.
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56. If you constantly write sweet nothings on you man’s wall, you should know that everyone thinks you’re annoying. Even him.
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57. I used to hate red lights before text messaging was invented.
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58. The worst thing ever = that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
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59. Some colleges are like unprotected sex… glad you got in, wish you never came.
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60. Life is like Tetris… sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can come together.
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61. You can’t hate other people until you truly hate yourself first.
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Time to get rid of them… Read:

When to End Your Relationship

 

-FUNNY GIRL STATUS-

62. I don’t get offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde.
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63. Girls, there is a fine line between wearing makeup and looking like you got Gang Banged by Crayola.
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64. Cute guys make you crazy, hot guys make you drool, cool guys make you daydream. But funny guys make you fall in love without ever knowing it.
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65. Did it hurt when you fell from the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down?
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66. Whenever I want something in life, my first consideration is to email Oprah
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67. When they say dance like no one’s watching, I think they were telling me HOPE that no one’s watching
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68. Dear Pinterest, please stop showing me adorable preggers women and too-cute babies. I care about shoes.
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69. Girls who say they “don’t get along with other girls” like to call themselves ‘tomboys.’ I like to call them bitches.

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76. Does anyone else scream when the can of biscuits pops?
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77. I don’t want to brag, or make anybody jealous… but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
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78. I learned a very valuable lesson last night. Just because a guy is a great kisser doesn’t mean he’s great in bed.
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79. Ladies, next time the doctor checks your boobs for any lumps, run your fingers through his hair.
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80. May wear something low cut tonight. To clarify I mean a pair of jeans with rudimentary blades fashioned on each hip like a scythed chariot.
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81. Dear sly woman that dresses provocatively at work in hopes of snagging a lucrative sexual harassment settlement. Good thinking.
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Think Chivalry is dead?.. Think Again.

From Player to Gentleman in 3 Steps

 

-FUNNY GUY STATUS-

82. If a chick gets a tattoo of a horse on her boob, by the time she’s 70, it’ll be a giraffe!
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83. In a guy’s mind, there is no “friend zone.” They pretty much always want to sleep with you.
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84. There are nights that are fun, there are nights that are crazy, and then there are those nights that make men legends.
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85. When I say, “Just kidding!” I’m usually not…
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86. Agreeing to disagree usually means, “You’re a moron and I don’t feel like arguing about this any longer.”
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87. Tripped over my girfriend’s bra this morning while walking to the bathroom, talk about the ultimate Boobie Trap.
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88. Avoid arguments with your girlfriend about the toilet seat…use the sink.
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89. I don’t have a problem with drinking, actually I get along with it pretty damn well.
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90. Getting Hooters take-out is like subscribing to Playboy for the articles.
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91. Do people that like their own status update also jack off in front of a mirror?
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92. It’s not that I need to manage my anger, it’s that other people need to manage their stupidity.
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93. When you use shampoo to masturbate in the shower, is it considered “Un-Conditioner Love.”?
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94. Most guys go into a relationship agreeing to the “terms and services” not knowing what they are agreeing to…
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95. Asked a girl why she didn’t use her blinker while driving. She said blinkers are to “remind me to turn” & “I didn’t forget.”

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98. If a chick calls you “dude”, that means you’re in the Friend Zone.
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99. The problem with dating models is the handle of your toothbrush always ends up mysteriously smelling like throat.
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100. Feel I could meet the woman of my dreams today. Hopefully not the one from the dream where I’m being shot at by a lady dressed as a clown.
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101. I’ve heard it all. Most of it coming out of my own mouth.
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Also read: 50 Hilarious College Memes

 

 

LTCL

 
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