Posted 10/2/11 by Rob Courson in Relationships & Sex

The Breakup Gauntlet

It’s 8:30PM on some idle Tuesday evening. You’ve been cramming for the past three hours for perhaps the most monumental final exam of your undergraduate career. Your desk is completely covered with reference material and the beginnings of a rather impressive graveyard of empty Red Bull cans. For now, you’ve got it firmly under control. You’re in the cockpit and seemingly nothing can stand between you and the conquest of Calc II. You’re in beast mode. And then the phone rings. It’s the soft and comforting voice of your girlfriend, the one person that you can count on to stick by you no matter what. However, this time something’s appears to be a bit off. Her voice is shaky, her tone is apprehensive. In a considerably less than soft and comforting voice, she says that the two of you “need to have a talk”.

This just simply cannot be true. No more than mere seconds ago you were at the top of your game. Your little adolescent universe was in complete harmony with life. And in the blink of an eye, the castle walls came crumbling to the ground upon hearing the five words that may as well have been a flaming arrow shot straight through the core of your already over caffeinated heart. “It’s…Just…Not…Working…Out…” Sure, the remainder of the phone conversation lasted at least fifteen minutes. However, you heard none of it. No, after those five words took the very breath from your lungs you became oblivious to the menial details and nuances of her reasoning. It just didn’t matter anymore. In a daze capitalized by a surreal blend of disbelief and crushed ego you remained silent. You remained speechless. You remained devoid of positive emotion.

It always seems to be true doesn’t it? Men, from our perspective heartbreak always delivers its punishing blow on swift wings. We often times flee for the cover of denial in the wake of such things. Unfortunately running will get you nowhere in life. And nowhere is it more relevant than in the fickle, unforgiving and merciless game of the break up. Yet, there’s a way to beat the odds. There’s a way to turn the tables, tip the scales and rise straight to the top. But only if you bear in mind the fact that it really is just one big game. As long as you know the players, the rules and are willing to play dirty at times… There’s no reason why you should have to suffer. At least, by yourself that is. I’d like to discuss with you a few key points to getting through what I so loathingly refer to as “The Breakup Gauntlet”. It’s a multi-phased approach to transforming tragedy into triumph, and coming out stronger than ever. Gentlemen… Let us begin…

-Getting Sad-

As it is with any loss, you MUST allow yourself the appropriate time to grieve. Don’t be afraid to cry. Don’t be afraid to completely lose your shit and turn into that dipshit on youtube who’s parents took away his World of Warcraft. Because after all, when you lose the girl you’re nuts about… You feel like a dipshit. Plain and simple. However, there’s a fine line here. If you really want to have a long term positive effect on the outcome of this shit sandwich that you’ve just been forced to bite, you have to get mad. And I sincerely mean that. Your grieving stage should be a completely private affair. And if you feel the need to vent your frustrations and sorrow, remember to do so to those who don’t also know your newly appointed ex-girlfriend. You want her to know that you’re hurt, but that you remain undeterred.

-Getting Mad-

Alright, big guy. You’ve stopped sobbing like a little bitch. You’ve successfully made the transition from sad bastard to angry bull. This is the time where you need to focus on strategy. You need to be cold, calculating and goal oriented. You need to make a plan. This plan should be centered on a two-pronged retaliation, aimed at serving up twice the amount of pain that you’ve endured, while by the same token improving yourself far beyond your prior expectations.

-Getting Even-

Guys, let’s face it. We were put on this earth to hunt. It’s what we do. And in the 21st century that means… You guessed it… The opposite sex. So, she dumped you. Like an unwanted puppy taken into the woods and left there, she abandoned you. You were sad. You were mad. And now you’re filled to the brim with the resolve to make her pay. And here’s how you go about accomplishing this simple, yet effective goal. You need to immediately get out there and involve yourself, socially with your “prey”. You need to appear as if you’re the happiest you’ve ever been. Your ex be damned, nothing will stand in the way of you and your dominance over life itself. Yet again, the key here is subtlety. You don’t need photos of yourself hooking up with randoms cropping up all over facebook. This will just make her think that you’re a classless, reckless d-bag. You simply just need to appear as if you’re having the time of your life in the company of other, attractive girls.

Your primary objective here is to show the world, and namely your bloodless and cold-hearted ex that you simply don’t need her.

My explanations here are rather simplistic and baseline in nature. However, they’re terribly effective and have been proven to be so time and time again. In the end, how exactly you choose to execute your plan is completely relative to your circumstances and personal situation. All I can say with any degree of certainty is as follows. Each phase in this process is absolutely integral to the greater picture. She can break your heart for now, but you can return the favor ten fold in the aftermath with careful planning and the will to carry on. Just refuse to lose. It’s as simple as that. If all you do is win, then get out there and knuckle up, guy! Just remember that when she crushes your heart… First, you’ve got to get mad…