College consists of parties, Natty Light, the cheapest vodka in the world, regrets and disappointments… and classes every now and then, right? Well when Thursday roles around, it’s the start of the weekend and obviously college kids play by their own rules because only in college is it acceptable to have a three-day weekend every week. And so it begins, the mornings of waking up smelling like the floor of a bar and a good chance of a less dignity than you had the day before.
Here’s the thing though, you never want to be ‘that’ girl. We all have seen her at parties; the one that drinks 15 cups of jungle juice and proceeds to dance on tables and does the reach-around make out while still grinding. Everybody have that picture in your head now? Good, now listen to me and take this advice so you won’t ever be her. Because guess what, people hate her.
Do not, and I repeat do not, hook up with more than one person in a night unless they don’t know each other and you have low morals. Slutty might be the word to describe this situation – and sluts in college are not respected by guys and even less liked by girls. Good luck taking anything out of college but an STD. Because 1 in 4 college students have something nasty going on down there.
Don’t mix alcohols. We’ve all heard the saying, “Beer before liquor, you’ve never been sicker.” And it’s a good saying to follow, but even drinking two different hard alcohols such as vodka and whiskey throughout the night will be the worst hangover of your life as well. People who mix drinks are much more likely to drink excessively and become totally smashed and that’s why it’s bad.
Don’t dance on anything that’s not the floor and especially in a dress of small proportions. There is nothing worse than being told the next day that everyone saw more of you than you had planned. So no tables, no bars, no futons; but stages, yeah, those are okay.
Don’t eat like a frat guy. There is a time and place for pizza and breadsticks and it’s not when you’re hammered out of your mind. Putting 3,000 calories in your body for a day is bad, but for a fourth meal, it’s even worse and more unnecessary. Yes, your metabolism is probably at the peak of your life, but there’s a reason why college kids are much heftier than they were in high school. Think about that bikini you’ll be putting on in a short few months… you want to stop eating drunk now, don’t you?
Don’t take party pics that show drunk eyes, alcohol, kissing lips or anything that isn’t classy and attractive. Putting photos of you and your friends taking pulls of vodka straight out of the bottle on Facebook is so freaking dumb that you should have your right to FB revoked. Hello, we’re in college to get jobs and future employers probably don’t think chugging vodka is an impressive quality.
So here’s to never being a drunk disgusting disaster and always being classy, calm and cute.
I'm a junior magazine journalism major and business minor at the University of Missouri. I came from the lovely Kansas City and am a die hard Royals and Chiefs fan. I enjoy long-distance runs, alliteration and I spend my free time finding the fraternities with the cutest puppies. Carry on, all you pretty people, carry on.