Posted 3/26/12 by LTCL in Funny

101 Funny Facebook Statuses

Enough Boring Status Updates

Funny Facebook Statuses

Are you a fan of a good Facebook status? Need ideas for a good status? Here are 101 funny Facebook statuses so stop wasting countless hours shuffling through the noise and useless updates to strike a little status gold. Check it out; we’ve compiled an list of 101 funny hilarious posts and tweets for you. Enjoy!

-FUNNY LIFE STATUS-

1. You never realize how inappropriate your music is until your parents are in the car with you.^{[tweet it]}

2. I want to defriend you but your pictures and status updates make me feel good about myself.^{[tweet it]}

3. That awkward moment standing next to your friend as they talk to someone you don’t know.^{[tweet it]}

4. Google-Maps needs to skip the first 4 steps. I know the way out of my own neighborhood.^{[tweet it]}

5. I would rather try to carry 10 overloaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.^{[tweet it]}

6. If only Adderall was a traded commodity during finals week.^{[tweet it]}

7. Low rise jeans are not for everyone. There should be a warning label. If more of you is outside your jeans than in, they may not be for you.^{[tweet it]}

8. Few things are more entertaining than reading two girls roast each other publicly on Facebook.^{[tweet it]}

9. That moment when someone compliments you and you’re torn between saying “thank you” and, “I know”^{[tweet it]}

10. Men bond by insulting each other, but they don’t really mean it. Women bond by complimenting each other, & they don’t mean it either.^{[tweet it]}

11. WTF was that shot last night? It looked and tasted like swamp.^{[tweet it]}

12. I’m starting to realize there is a fine line between chronic hangover and withdrawal.^{[tweet it]}

13. Don’t worry if you can’t remember what happened, Facebook will forever. (thanks, Timeline)^{[tweet it]}

14. It’s time to raise awareness about the dangers of using a credit card after drinking.^{[tweet it]}

15. There is a time and place for everything. And it’s called college.^{[tweet it]}

16. A turd in a swimming pool is like a crying baby on an airplane… one little thing is fucking it up for everyone.^{[tweet it]}

17. Whenever you’re feeling down, remember, you’re the sperm that won.^{[tweet it]}

18. Word of advice; never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.^{[tweet it]}

19. I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It’s way too little to go by itself.^{[tweet it]}

20. I don’t drink so that I’m more fun to be around. I drink so that you’re more fun to be around.^{[tweet it]}

21. Thanks for putting that inspirational quote on Facebook. It really inspired me. Inspired me to de-friend you.^{[tweet it]}

22. In preparation for the weekend, I just donated a pint of my blood to be replaced with a pint of alcohol.^{[tweet it]}

23. I fall in love when I am drunk and I hate people when I am sober.^{[tweet it]}

24. I draw the line at conversations about creepy children dressed like clowns who sound like old men talking backwards.^{[tweet it]}

25. When someone says “I’ve got good news / bad news” I say gimme the bad news twice & stick the good news way up inside your asshole.^{[tweet it]}

26. Just hit me how incredibly badass it would’ve been to say, “I’m seeing Elvis perform tonight.”^{[tweet it]}

27. If I offended anyone with my comments, I assure you that was purely my intention.^{[tweet it]}

28. I think I left my ID and my dignity at the bar last night..^{[tweet it]}

29. Dear Liver, I understand March is hard for you with spring break & St.Patty’s day. PUSH THROUGH, you little champion, you.^{[tweet it]}

30. How to start an argument online: 1. Say an opinion 2. Wait^{[tweet it]}

31. I hate when I think of witty things to say after the argument is over…^{[tweet it]}

32. Dear Math, I liked you so much more before you and the alphabet started hooking up. Sincerely, Everyone.^{[tweet it]}

33. When somebody says “10 years ago” I think about the 90’s instead of 2002.^{[tweet it]}

34. We wouldn’t have an obesity epidemic if parents wouldn’t have used the “starving kids in Africa” line to get kids to finish their food.^{[tweet it]}

35. A women’s intuition is insanely accurate. Unfortunately their reaction time is usually off by about 2 years. Give or take.^{[tweet it]}

Ever had feelings for your friend?

Can Guys and Girls be Just Friends?

-FUNNY RELATIONSHIP STATUS-

36. Condoms prevent mini vans.^{[tweet it]}

37. That awkward moment when you regret sending a text the second after you send it.^{[tweet it]}

38. Why do people put their relationship status as “its complicated”?? We all know that means you’re single but still doing your ex.^{[tweet it]}

39. Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat & it may just be me, but I’m not looking to develop a heart problem.^{[tweet it]}

40. The Sex Olympics, where coming first doesn’t make you a winner.^{[tweet it]}

41. If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his girlfriend, does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?^{[tweet it]}

42. I’m not saying she’s a slut; I’m just surprised that Facebook has not made her vagina a place to “check in” yet.^{[tweet it]}

43. Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.^{[tweet it]}

44. I’m not saying she is a slut, but she has had more balls in her mouth than a hungry hungry hippo.^{[tweet it]}

45. Why do women spend so much on clothes when we prefer them without them on?^{[tweet it]}

46. I hate those unrealistic movies…you know, the ones where men are friends with women.^{[tweet it]}

47. If I had dated my professors in college, I would have definitely gotten that 4.0.^{[tweet it]}

48. If you haven’t texted me back after 30 minutes, you better be dead or have a similar excuse.^{[tweet it]}

49. When I exercise, I wear all black. It’s like a funeral for my fat.^{[tweet it]}

50. I learned more about a stranger in 10 minutes of “Never Have I Ever” than I knew about the person in my last relationship.^{[tweet it]}

51. I’d agree with you but then we would both be wrong.^{[tweet it]}

52. The moment your tire blows, car jerking violently on a mountain road sending you spinning towards a deep chasm. That’s how true love feels.^{[tweet it]}

53. Hey, listen up. If I text you & 5 hours later you still haven’t replied but you’ve tweeted 38 times, you can go play with a gun.^{[tweet it]}

54. My dentist told me I have gingivitis. I told him that was impossible because I strongly avoid making out with red-heads.^{[tweet it]}

55. One night stands are like using a public restroom – you don’t know who was there before you or how clean they really left it.^{[tweet it]}

56. If you constantly write sweet nothings on you man’s wall, you should know that everyone thinks you’re annoying. Even him.^{[tweet it]}

57. I used to hate red lights before text messaging was invented.^{[tweet it]}

58. The worst thing ever = that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.^{[tweet it]}

59. Some colleges are like unprotected sex… glad you got in, wish you never came.^{[tweet it]}

60. Life is like Tetris… sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can come together.^{[tweet it]}

61. You can’t hate other people until you truly hate yourself first.^{[tweet it]}

Time to get rid of them… Read:

When to End Your Relationship

-FUNNY GIRL STATUS-

62. I don’t get offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde.
[tweet it]

63. Girls, there is a fine line between wearing makeup and looking like you got Gang Banged by Crayola.^{[tweet it]}

64. Cute guys make you crazy, hot guys make you drool, cool guys make you daydream. But funny guys make you fall in love without ever knowing it.^{[tweet it]}

65. Did it hurt when you fell from the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down?^{[tweet it]}

66. Whenever I want something in life, my first consideration is to email Oprah^{[tweet it]}

67. When they say dance like no one’s watching, I think they were telling me HOPE that no one’s watching^{[tweet it]}

68. Dear Pinterest, please stop showing me adorable preggers women and too-cute babies. I care about shoes.^{[tweet it]}

69. Girls who say they “don’t get along with other girls” like to call themselves ‘tomboys.’ I like to call them bitches.^{[tweet it]}

76. Does anyone else scream when the can of biscuits pops?^{[tweet it]}

77. I don’t want to brag, or make anybody jealous… but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.^{[tweet it]}

78. I learned a very valuable lesson last night. Just because a guy is a great kisser doesn’t mean he’s great in bed.^{[tweet it]}

79. Ladies, next time the doctor checks your boobs for any lumps, run your fingers through his hair.^{[tweet it]}

80. May wear something low cut tonight. To clarify I mean a pair of jeans with rudimentary blades fashioned on each hip like a scythed chariot.^{[tweet it]}

81. Dear sly woman that dresses provocatively at work in hopes of snagging a lucrative sexual harassment settlement. Good thinking.^{[tweet it]}

Think Chivalry is dead?.. Think Again.

From Player to Gentleman in 3 Steps

-FUNNY GUY STATUS-

82. If a chick gets a tattoo of a horse on her boob, by the time she’s 70, it’ll be a giraffe!^{[tweet it]}

83. In a guy’s mind, there is no “friend zone.” They pretty much always want to sleep with you.^{[tweet it]}

84. There are nights that are fun, there are nights that are crazy, and then there are those nights that make men legends.^{[tweet it]}

85. When I say, “Just kidding!” I’m usually not…^{[tweet it]}

86. Agreeing to disagree usually means, “You’re a moron and I don’t feel like arguing about this any longer.”^{[tweet it]}

87. Tripped over my girfriend’s bra this morning while walking to the bathroom, talk about the ultimate Boobie Trap.^{[tweet it]}

88. Avoid arguments with your girlfriend about the toilet seat…use the sink.^{[tweet it]}

89. I don’t have a problem with drinking, actually I get along with it pretty damn well.^{[tweet it]}

90. Getting Hooters take-out is like subscribing to Playboy for the articles.^{[tweet it]}

91. Do people that like their own status update also jack off in front of a mirror?^{[tweet it]}

92. It’s not that I need to manage my anger, it’s that other people need to manage their stupidity.^{[tweet it]}

93. When you use shampoo to masturbate in the shower, is it considered “Un-Conditioner Love.”?^{[tweet it]}

94. Most guys go into a relationship agreeing to the “terms and services” not knowing what they are agreeing to…^{[tweet it]}

95. Asked a girl why she didn’t use her blinker while driving. She said blinkers are to “remind me to turn” & “I didn’t forget.”^{[tweet it]}

98. If a chick calls you “dude”, that means you’re in the Friend Zone.^{[tweet it]}

99. The problem with dating models is the handle of your toothbrush always ends up mysteriously smelling like throat.^{[tweet it]}

100. Feel I could meet the woman of my dreams today. Hopefully not the one from the dream where I’m being shot at by a lady dressed as a clown.^{[tweet it]}

101. I’ve heard it all. Most of it coming out of my own mouth.^{[tweet it]}

LTCL

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