City Guide: New York City

Heart New York

I’m back ! (Finally, right?) And this time I’m here to teach you a little about what to do when you’re faced with a night to go out in New York City. What do you do? Where do you go? What do you wear? Don’t worry, I’ve spent every summer, Thanksgiving, and most winter breaks in NYC since I was like 6.

So here we go, let’s imagine you have one night to go out in New York, you’re a college student, so you have really no more than about $400, right? You’re poor, it’s your first time in the biggest city in the country, and you’re looking to go HAM…so let’s do it. You’re going to want to do it big, and I’ll show you how.

FRIDAY: CLUB NIGHT

It’s New York. Get drunk. Look nice. Gentlemen, you’re going to want to wear a blazer over a nice dress shirt. Tie optional. Dark jeans, or slacks, and either high fashion sneakers or dress shoes. Look. F*cking. Good. At a club you are competing with bored 34-year-old doctors who are looking to bang the same 22-year-old models/model wannabes that you are. They have more money than you, period. They will have bottle service, you will not. They can pay for a girl’s $14 drinks all night. You cannot. So what do you do? Look better. You HAVE to stand out. Of course you have to get loose and drunk, so I suggest starting out somewhere cheaper (You’re still in college, still on a budget). That means Brooklyn.
FIRST BAR: “The Levee” Berry Street, Williamsburg
You didn’t think you’d start at a heavy metal bar did you? Yeah neither did I, but the Levee is awesome. Inside and outside seating and sweet drink specials such as the “Frat Boy” – a Bud Light and a shot of Jagermeister for 5 bucks. That’s college town prices in the home of Jay-Z. Get like…six or seven of those. You’re going to want to sit outside, drink your “Frat Boys” and use whatever girls are in your group to start planning how to meet a club promoter, because without one, there’s no way in hell you’re getting in.

DEALING WITH CLUB PROMOTERS/THE CLUB:

Girls, this doesn’t apply to you, because if you’re attractive, you don’t have to deal with things like “lines” or “prices.” Put on your tightest dress, throw on a ton of makeup and you will not pay or wait for shit all night. That’s New York.
Gentlemen, your night might suck (if you are super set on going clubbing) unless you are with a group of girls to get you into a club. The nicer places in Manhattan like Kiss & Fly, Ten June, Gansevoort, etc. are like $50 to get into in the first place.

Club promoters get paid a certain amount per girl they get to go to the club, and a lesser amount per guy. Gentlemen, they don’t  like you, and they will let you know that. Also, they will lie to you about prices. $400 bottle service as quoted in the elevator up to the top floor becomes “Oh, we don’t do bottle service for less than $1,500” later. These are 30 year old who should have real jobs, but are instead paid to party. If you think these guys or the 35 year old guy in cargo shorts who is emceeing Spring Break bikini contests have a great life, they don’t. They are sad, sad people. Unless you have a lot of money (read: A LOT. A LOT. A LOT. of money), clubbing is not really a viable choice while you are a male and in college.
Drinks are $14-18 and you have to wait an hour in line to get into this bull shit. Oh, and bottle service is $1,000-2,500, not $150 that you can easily split among friends.
So in the end…unless you know someone, or have way more money than the average or even above average college student, you have to do something else. But you REALLY want to go clubbing? Yeah, I got you dawg.

THE CLUB-LIKE BAR, AND MY FAVORITE PLACE IN NEW YORK

There’s this magical place on the corner of 14th street and 9th Avenue that has a club atmosphere, club-hot girls, club music…and it’s a bar. It’s called Gaslight Lounge. You can visit it’s website at www.gaslightnyc.com. But basically this is THE place. There are two main rooms, a bar room and more a club room. Well drinks are $9 – aka half the price of the nearby clubs. For some reason, there’s always a hot chick dancing near the bar. I’m almost certain she gets paid to dance like she’s f’d up on molly. It’s pretty great. Bartenders are pretty much only female, and all smoking hot. It’s a young crowd, and great for college students.

Then you get to the back room. SH*T SHOW. There’s another bar, and a dance floor with a separate DJ playing club music. This is where the magic happens. The first time I ever came here, I walked up to a random girl sitting on one of the edge couches, talked to her for 10 minutes, and was later making out with what turned out to be a 35 year old (I was 19) in the middle of the dance floor. She at one point told me she “wanted to make all of my Mrs. Robinson dreams come true.” Gaslight bitches.
Second time, my buddies and I screamed really loud at some asses. No seriously. Girls consented for us to scream really loud at their ass. That’s a thing that happened. Gaslight bitches.
Third time, a friend and I did the Harlem shake with a huge group of incredibly amused black guys (white boys dancing is admittedly hilarious), led a group in the back room in dancing “Gangnam Style.” And then met some random chicks and did our thing. Seriously though, Gaslight b*tches…
So that’s how you do it big. Any questions, tweet me write it in the comment section below. For more absurdity, valuable insight, and manly tips, follow me @Armani_Jandro. Leave me some article suggestions.

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